step 427

you know that saying, the journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step? - keep reading, yes, you.

i was reflecting on that the other day, because one step that’s easy. so is two, three and four. but what about four hundred and twenty seven?

That’s when things get hard, when you’re just about halfway there but you’re tired, maybe bored.

we’ll come back to this

i’ve recently found myself lost, but not stationary. I have a direction, and path.

looking back 2 years, i started writing/publishing/etc because i found myself weak lacking resilience. I figured, might as well document this process of growth? But honestly, there was a destination in mind.

an end goal of “resilience” existed for me, somewhere I’d get to one day and realize “great! i’m resilient now”

back then, i wanted to just make it through a day. but with more life, more challenge. and with more challenge, a need for more resilience arises.

i came to the realization that we are always on step four hundred and twenty seven. things will always be hard, and challenging, and uncertain. no matter what.

the key to resilience is learning to enjoy that, live in it, revel in it. whatever.

so that’s where im at, i’m on step 427, maybe you are too?

Holding it Together

I am holding it together. Holding being the operative word.

As in, I am actively ensuring that I do not fall apart.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this.

I started writing ThePath in January, when I realized I didn’t have an ounce of resilience in me. Since then, I’ve grown a lot.

And in scale, I am holding it together much better now. Nearly a year later, and right now I’m dealing with far more stress, and much higher consequence.

Maybe I’ve grown? Maybe my priorities have shifted some things are less intrusive than others. And maybe it’s a bit of both.

Regardless, this is the first moment in a long time where I’m having to fight to hold it together.

I’m taking deep breaths, holding myself back from lashing out. I’m reading and writing, thinking and talking.

I’ve got a 3-2-1 rule. 3 deep breaths, 2 things I’m thankful for and 1 reminder that I’m going to be ok.

It’s good. It helps.

When I remember to do it.

I’m reminded of Seneca, “The special characteristic of a great person is to triumph over the disaster and panic of human life.”

With perspective, I’m reminded that there’s no disaster in my life.

Panic?

Sure.

Disaster?

No way.

That’s where I’m at. I’m holding it together. I hope you are too.

Through the storm.

I love the Mission Impossible movies.

Since I was a kid, they were some of my favorite things to watch.

One of my favorite scenes is when the main character is in hiding and being delivered a message by a shady character under the cover of night and rain.

The messenger goes “Brace yourself, the storm is coming.”

Ethan Hunt emerges from the shadows and says “I am the storm.”

Which obviously is just one of the coolest things ever.

And that storm takes various forms, and our storms are very personal to ourselves.

These days I feel like it’s one mini storm after another. And I’ll get these random flashes of anxiety, like I’m not doing enough, or I’m not where I’m supposed to be yet.

My body processes anxiety like little dots, my face gots hot and I feel it in my stomach.

And sometimes it feels like I’m getting rained on, like I’m in a storm.

It’s a tricky thing. Because I hate the feeling, I want to run, or just lay there, I want to do SOMETHING to rid myself of that anxiety. But I can’t, I need to keep it going through the storm. Whether that’s breathing, or thinking happy thoughts.

At the end of the day though, the more I run from the storm, the longer it’ll last. When I sit, I’ll find myself through the storm soon enough.

Keep going through the storm.

I’ll talk to ya tomorrow.

Misdirection, emotions, and tough guys.

I have been struggling to write this one.

I know what I’d like to put on paper, or screen, or keyboard.

Generally, I’m aware of the direction I’d like this to go.

That being said, I have no real certainty of how I want to get there.

I guess it’ll start with a clear cut idea of where I’m trying to go.

Overall, and if you’ve read anything else on this site you know this, I am disgusted with the modern idea of toughness.

Growing up, emotionless tough guys were idolized.

I can still find myself wanting to be that guy. The rough and tumble, lead into battle.

But it makes me sad to think about.

Emotions are meant to be felt and healed.

I’ve had an emotional few months, lots of transition, lots of things not going my way.

It’s been more than challenging to keep my head on straight, to remind myself of the goal.

I’ve been slipping into bad habits, not being the guy I want to become.

A hefty part of my mind wants to be the guy who just takes it on the chin and keeps working.

My typical response to empathy shown my way being “it happens” or “such is life.”

Because that’s what Marcus Aurelius would say right?

That’s how Teddy Roosevelt would respond?

So why should I not respond in kind.

It’s a flawed thinking.

Those men were not calloused, they had perspective.

My perspective, as a 22 year old, is narrow.

It’s the right now, it’s the last couple years, it’s the next few months.

Which, is a fair thing to have when I’m this young.

When I’ve built my life around goals.

They put blinders on race horses so they can only focus on one thing, the race. I’ve put blinders on so I can similarly do so.

The next lift, goal, business, job, workout, run. I have blinders limiting myself to the next thing.

Which again, I don’t always disagree with.

One of my favorite phrases is “three foot world.”

Focusing on the next three feet is how to get through something hard.

A run, a workout, a breakup. It’s all about the next three feet.

But the world is much more than three feet around.

When I get caught up in the three foot world, I become emotionless, passionless and I lose perspective.

I’m really good, world class honestly, at taking things on in the moment.

One time my car transmission went out going 80mph on the freeway. Didn’t phase me in the moment.

Whatever it is, I am level headed in the moment.

The issues come when I have to think past the three feet.

That’s where I’m at these days, thinking past those three feet.

Living in a three foot world is like living in the arena, and I talked all about the problems with that in this reflection.

I need it sometimes, but not all the time. I don’t like who I am in the three foot world.

Building a company put me in that three foot world, and I know I sucked to be around. It’s something I think about often.

I’ve been ending these with a question, one to make you think.

I pondered on this one last Thursday.

What’s the hard thing I know I need to do, but I’ve been avoiding? Why not do it?

Hope you enjoyed my rambles.

Don’t forget to look past those three feet.

Nothing In the Middle

I’m writing this at 4:10PM on September 1st. I set the goal for the month of less than 3 hours of screen time a day, every day.

Last time I checked, I was at 2 hours and 18 minutes. Not bad. I’m trying to figure out how I can download music to my watch, that way I can go for runs and workouts without my phone.

My life, and my mind, are noticeably quieter. I’ve always been one for goal setting, I think it’s rooted in growing up in a gym setting. There was always a mentality of seeking the next personal record. This led to a dangerously committed mindset of constant growth.

I used to love the quote “anything in life worth doing, is worth overdoing.”

Truth be told, I still do. I’m not one for moderation, or going halfway.

That mindset isn’t always the most effective, I read today that Napoleon would wait three weeks to open mail.

Imagine waiting three weeks to open a text, or an email. He did that every time, because almost every time, the situations would resolve themselves.

If they didn’t, he would hear about it another way and address the situation.

He did this, because he knew he could not let himself get spread too thin.

Most likely, Napoleon was also an “anything in life worth doing, is worth overdoing” type of guy.

I think he had to pick and choose where he would put his energy, because it was not unlimited.

Genius decisions.

I’m finding in life, that for something to grow, it has to be in or out.

Nothing in the middle can exist.

Funny enough, I have that tattooed on my leg.

That’s not to say I go grocery shopping with the same aggression as I approach a heavy squat.

It’s more to understand that when I apply my mind, body, or soul to something, I apply the entire thing.

When I apply a medium amount of my brain, nothing gets done. A medium amount of application from my body leads to an injury. And a medium application of my soul leads to nothing but a forgotten passion.

None of those outcomes are desired.

But a lot of times, I want to do lots of things!

I want to learn a new language, talk to that person, or play that video game.

But, am I growing with that? Will anything great come from my half hearted effort?

Probably not.

Sometimes the effort needs to be an absence.

Absence leads to growth, clay formed with an absence becomes a jar.

The walls around you, the absence they leave creates your room.

Absence tends to lead to something, be it creation, growth, or something else I don’t understand yet.

Not saying it’s easy. I’m finding out just how hard it is.

Today is a question I’ve been pondering.

What’s going on in your life that you will, one day, tell your grandkids about? Or your friends’ kids, if you don’t want kids.

Also, I write a weekly post about my path to becoming resilient. If you’re into that, you can check it out here.

Here’s to a life with a little more absence, see ya tomorrow.

I Want a Flip Phone

I talked the other day about stillness.

And then I called my shot, I told you I’d be writing about flip phones on todays writing.

Ryan Holiday’s “Stillness is the Key” is a fairly great read. Talks a lot about how important it is to be still, bored, and let your mind populate itself.

It’s one of those things, that tends to sink in for me over time.

Earlier today I tried to take a nap. But I had my phone, and I found myself sucked into it.

I laid there for nearly thirty minutes, mindlessly scrolling. I hated it.

I’m sure you’ve read about how apps are designed to be addicting, they suck you in, and you keep scrolling. It’s about dopamine, and how much dopamine is released through scrolling.

I know that was a poor explanation, but if you’d like a better one you can check this out.

Moving on, well, not really.

For the most part, I don’t enjoy podcasts. Couldn’t tell you why.

There are a few exceptions, My First Million, is a great business podcast if you’re into that stuff.

Trained by Nike, it covers lots of things in the health and fitness world.

And one that hasn’t even come out yet, but has become an immediate favorite, is Real Ones by Jon Bernthal.

There’s only one episode, actually not even. An 18 minute snippet has been released of the first episode, it’s Bernthal sitting down with his guest, Shia Lebouf.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid celebrity news. I generally knew that Shia had gotten himself into some sort of trouble.

Hard to believe considering in my head, he’s still the guy from Holes, or Indiana Jones’ son.

But watching this snippet was incredible to hear him speak candidly on his mistakes, and his path to becoming a better human being.

A few of the specific things I really liked were him taking responsibility.

No part of it felt like he was blaming anyone, he essentially said ‘this is who I was, now this is who I am.’

It was refreshing to hear so much vulnerability and transparency come from someone who’s career is to be someone else.

At one point he talked about his experience in rehab, how they took his phone and that was the best thing for him.

“I had no absence in my life, my free moments were filled with boosts to my arrogance and mindless scrolling.”

As soon as I heard that I started going “flip phone! flip phone!”

Unfortunately he didn’t get a flip phone, not to my knowledge at least.

It was incredible though, to hear about how vital it is for anyone to have more absence in their life, or stillness, whatever you’d like to call it.

Being in the fitness world for so long, I have a fairly accurate understanding of diet and nutrition. I am generally very aware of what food goes into my body, and if something feels off I can typically tell you why.

When I eat bad things, I feel bad, my workouts are bad, I’m more tired.

But it’s the same thing with what goes into my brain, when I’m just pumping content into my brain, whether it’s politics, or comedy videos, or anything in between, that’s affecting me.

Making smart mental decisions doesn’t just mean going to therapy, it also means, at least for me, scheduling time away from my phone.

I doubt a flip phone is anywhere near in my future, for lots of reasons.

But I am going to be doing my best to turn my iPhone into something similar.

As September begins tomorrow, I’ve set the goal to average each day with less than 3 hours screen time. Right now I average 6.

Join me if you’d like.

If you enjoyed this, I write a weekly reflection on my path to becoming resilient, you can subscribe to that over here.

I’ve been ending these with a reflective question of sorts, something that ideally would make you think a little more about life, your brain, and maybe other things.

Today, this crossed my mind, and I’ll be putting it on yours.

Every day is good, bad, or meh. What are 3 things that happen on every good day? Every bad day? Every meh day? Can you try and seek out those 3 good day things?

See ya tomorrow.

Reece

Carrying Boats and Chasing Sunsets

If you’ve spent much time poking around trying to learn about toughness online, you’ve heard of David Goggins. In his words, couch potato turned Navy SEAL. Goggins has made his name on social media for these motivational videos.

Most often these include him yelling at the camera, running, and talking about carrying boats.

The boats thing is a nod to his training as a SEAL, carrying boats was a regular part of it. And I guess his thought process is, if I’m not going to, who’s going to carry the boats?

We’ll talk more about Goggins later, but if you can handle more than a bit of profanity, watch some of his videos.

Growing up I was told that I liked to chase sunsets.

For me that was obvious, sunsets are great, why wouldn’t I chase them?

But there’s always going to be another sunset. The chase for the sunset is never complete.

In a lot of ways this became a metaphor for more things in my life.

I chased recognition, acceptance, praise, attention. All these things I chased thinking they would complete me, but in reality, they were just more sunsets. More things that would eventually give way to another.

The issue with chasing sunsets, and the Goggins mentality of carrying boats, is that you’ll never be satisfied.

When you’re carrying boats, you can’t do that forever. One day you will fail. One day the boat will be too heavy.
For me, I found this cycle of searching for meaning in the things I chased, or the boats I carried, would do nothing but give me a short break from the search of whatever I was looking for.

The attention would fade, be it for an athletic accomplishment or being good at my job.

The acceptance would fade, I thought to be cool playing football, I had to be a jerk. I didn’t know that at the time, but in hindsight, I changed who I was because I was doing what I thought would get me to be accepted.

Recognition will go away, someone’s always going to be better.

Actually, all these things left me feeling worse. I really just wanted to find those qualities in myself. The acceptance, mainly.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t cracked the code. I don’t know if I ever will.

But I know that I can’t keep chasing sunsets, and I definitely can’t keep carrying boats.

If I’m being honest, my latest endeavor is a life of simplicity. Tomorrow’s writing is going to be called “I want a flip phone.” It’s going to be good, you should come back and read that one.

Hopefully you’ll keep reading after this next statement, but I love country music. There’s an artist I enjoy named Zach Bryan.

He released a song recently called Burn, Burn, Burn. It’s good, you should listen to it.

But my favorite line is as follows,

I’m a simple man, I don’t need much. Just my simple songs, and some human touch.

It really resonated with me.

I grew up religious, more than usual. These days I’m not sure where I stand, but since I’ve decided my new goal was a life of simplicity, one verse from the Bible has stuck out.

Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands

I never understood that one, growing up. I read it more than once. But these days it’s starting to make sense.

Most of my search for meaning, stems from living a complicated life.

One focused on people, or status, or wealth.

I told someone today my dream is down the road to open up a book store, and coach high school sports.

That’s my dream job, one day.

In the meantime, I’ll be enjoying sunsets but not chasing them. Hopefully I will avoid carrying boats, but I might do it on occasion.

I’ve been adding a question to the end of these, to hopefully make you think.

When you wake up, what’s the first thought on your mind? Why?

I also write every week about my Path to Resilience. Check it out.

Enjoy the sunset.

Staying Afloat

One of my favorite movies is the movie The Guardian.

It’s about US Coast Guard rescue swimmers. My dad was in the coast guard, and he used to do things like that. So growing up I probably watched that movie at least once a month, and I loved it every time.

I watched it a couple weeks ago.

There’s a scene in which a swimmer is asked what he’s doing at the rescue swimmer academy.

This guy was a state champion swimmer, cocky, acted like he was the best, and he was.

But the jaded instructor, Kevin Costner, asked him one question on a regular basis.

He asked “what are you doing here?”

Answers changed, until one finally settled in.

Coming out of the pool, the swimmer looked over to his instructor.

“I’m here to save lives.”

Jake Fischer knew what he was there for.

Later on, in moments of despair and against all odds, he would remind himself. He’s there to save lives.

It’s one of those movies that I think will always give me a new introspective thought every time I see it.

It’s a reminder that to stay afloat, to keep swimming, I need to remember why I’m here.

The other day I wrote something called “the ramblings of a pondering man.” It was the least coherent thing I’ve ever written. It was lots of ideas on who I want to be one day, how I’ll get there etc. There was a little section I called “purpose.”

I don’t work a career where I’m jumping out of helicopters to save lives, or rushing people into emergency rooms. So it can be a challenge to say my purpose is exactly X or Y. I can feel inadequate, like I’m not doing enough.

When I look at the state of the world, the despair and pain felt on such a mass scale. And I look at my contributions, they feel so minimal.

No matter how hard I try, I won’t be bringing about world peace, or curing famine.

But that’s not going to be my purpose.

So I sat down and I thought about it, what can be my purpose.

I decided my new purpose, for the time being, is to make other people feel important.

My goal in every conversation, is to make the other people feel important.

Not in a fake way, but I want people to leave conversations feeling good.

The way I see it, I won’t save the world, but maybe one of those people will.

Short one today, but if you need a conversation starter, I stole this one from a friend:

“ask yourself if you’d rather go back to the future or the past (for x amount of time) then come back to present time. Which would you choose, and why?”

The Toughness Equation

I throw around words like toughness and resilience a lot on here.

They’re important words. Fundamental words.

Two of the ten most important things I’d like to impart on my kids. (There’s a list)

But as I thought about it, I realized that beyond general thought. There doesn’t exist a fundamental question for toughness. Oh wait, there is.

Resilience is about keeping a level head when things get hard. Whether it’s something not going your way, or a bad flight.

I’ve gotten settled into a new office, and I have stacks of books everywhere.

From books on toughness, to growing businesses, to books about sociology. And through all these books I’ve developed my theory which I’ve taken to calling the resilience equation.

I’m basing this off the mathematical equation to calculate toughness of an object. That looks like this:

As the amount of stress and strain an object handles goes up, so does the amount of toughness.

I’ve taken a slightly different approach to this, here is my graph:

As you can see, there is still strain, but instead of stress, we’re looking at “calmness.”

So, ideally as strain increases so does the amount of calmness you have. This is what creates resilience. Keeping that level head amidst any type of strain.

You’ll have to forgive the rudimentary nature of the design. And the idea. Hopefully I’ll flesh it out a bit over time.

But the thought of it, the thought of calculating how to get tough sounds pretty incredible.

During covid, I decided I wanted to hold my breath for 3 minutes.

Who knows why, I’m dumb.

But I filled up our bathtub every night, and I dunked my head in.
Each time for different amounts of time.

Starting with a minute, then a little longer, doing five rounds of thirty second holds.

I had a program that made sense. I got used to it being underwater and holding my breath.

At one point, I hit two minutes, and I didn’t go any higher than that until I knew I could hit two minutes.
i wasn’t training myself to hold my breath, I was training myself to be comfortable at my limits.

I never did hit the three minute mark, I think my highest was 2:48. But I’m happy with the lesson I learned.

My college roommate, Ben, did find me passed out one time. But that’s another story.

Not really, I just think it’ll serve us better down the road.

If you enjoyed this at all, you should check out my weekly blog post I call the Path to Resilience. It’s essentially my journey to becoming a resilient human being. You can sign up here.

I also tend to tweet funny things sometimes, would love for you to follow me there.

Otherwise, I’ve been asking a question every day. A question that makes you think, preferably much deeper than you normally would. Today’s question, as we approach the fall.

Who do you want to be at the end of the year? What do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of in your life?

Cheers to the never ending fight.

Tough pills

I’ve been working my way through something called the Calm Workbook.

So far it’s interesting. I like it.

The general idea of it is to come to terms with the things you dislike. As you do that, it gets easier to handle things.

There’s a quote in there that I love.

“Tough pills to swallow make tough things easier.”

As we get more and more used to the hard stuff, the hard stuff gets easier.

Great way to think about challenges.

I’ve had some tough pills to swallow this week, failures, challenges, job changes. So that’s my weekend plans, to process.

But my question for today, is this.

What’s your tough pill?

Keeping a level head

I’ve talked extensively about how I think the true definition of toughness is being able to keep a level head when chaos strikes. But something that I think is lost on a lot of people is the way to get there.

I read a quote once that a lot of people act like there’s 23 hours in the day, space they rush and rush and do things as if they’re running out of time.

When in fact the best leaders act like there’s 25 hours in the day.

This means that they are able to move with relaxation able to move with calmness and when things get challenging they have that extra hour on top of everybody else.

Just think if you had an extra hour in your day how would you act. Would you still rushed to the store? would you still get stressed out when you’re late would you still worry about making it home on time? No probably not.

So for me, even when things get challenging or things get worrisome or even when I’m not sure what to do. I try and think that there’s 25 hours in the day, I try and think that I have plenty of time to figure it out.

more often than not, stress does nothing but make situations worse. Stress makes us make poor decisions, stress makes us lash out, stress can even make us forget about the priority. When we’re stressed out we aren’t our best selves. For me personally a major reason I get stressed out is because I feel like I’m running out of time. Which is kind of dumb if I’m being honest, I’m 22 I have a lot of time in front of me I have my whole life in front of me I’m being honest.

But the tricky thing about all this is that when it really comes down to it I feel pressured into this certain way because of life or this or that.

I know this is been more of a mosh bit of thoughts today but if you been falling along I’m trying to write one of these and publish it every day, I thought on toughness or leadership. I like to end them with a question of the day, something that I’ll get you thinking a little bit more than usual hopefully. So today’s question goes like this

what’s something you can do tomorrow morning that set your day up for success? It could be stretching, it could be journaling, it could be anything.

Toughness, When You Don't Feel Like It

I’ll be honest. I’ve had better stretches of my life.

I set the goal of writing one of these every day for 30 days. I really do not feel like it today, just being honest.

And that’s the thing about being tough. It really is just a decision. To show up, to follow through, even on the hardest days.

I tend to write little quotes on my hats. I started doing this when I was running a lot. I’d get to a certain point, and I’d take my hat off to cool down. Seeing some sort of motivational quote right there on the brim of my hat always gave me a bit of a boost.

One of those quotes, a long time favorite of mine, says that “champions are made on the bad days.”

Which, obviously is a great quote. But it’s one of those ones I love to throw around on easy days. But painfully annoying on challenging days.

I’m reminded of a poem called “Good Timber” by Douglas Malloch.

My favorite few lines from it

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Good things don’t come easy. As the old saying goes ‘easy come, easy go.’

So when I’m in the dumps, on one of those bad days. The kind of days that just nothing is going right. I try to remind myself that these are the days champions are made.

I was texting with a friend yesterday, talking about my stress, fear etc. I said “I feel like I’m staring down failure, on the largest scale so far.” Which is a terrifying place to be, even for me, who appreciates failure.

Things get hard, get scary. They add up, and subtract. Life throws curve balls, we might get hit by a pitch or two. I guess the only reality of it all is am I still at the plate?

Last time I checked I was.

Last time I checked so were you.

Today’s question of the day, is something I meditated on this morning.

“When you fail, how do you process it? Deny it, lean into it? What’s your method?”

Emotional Intelligence: The Secret to Leadership

I like to think most things in life are a lot more simple than first glance.

For those that don’t know me, I used to be a pretty big fitness guy. Lifting weights, running miles, the whole thing. And people would ask the secret to getting in shape and I really didn’t have one. I just did the thing over and over again, when it clicked. That was the secret to getting fit, consistency.

A lot of times, the secret skill, ingredient, or whatever you want to call it, is something heavily overlooked.

In fitness, it’s consistently showing up to the gym. In class, it’s not being on your phone. In leadership, it’s emotional intelligence.

Now, you don’t need a degree in psychology to become emotional intelligent. You also don’t need to sit around looking at feeling charts. Although I’ve done that, and it helps.

The definition of emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”

Now there’s a little part in there that I think is the real kicker. “one’s.” Emotional intelligence isn’t about being able to diagnose someone else’s problems or emotions. Anyone can do that, it’s why reality TV is so popular.

True emotional intelligence is about way more than critiquing another’s emotions. It’s really about understanding your own emotions.

But how does this apply to leadership? This isn’t a self help website. I don’t believe in most things I read about when it comes to the topic of self help. But that’s another story for another time.

Here’s the thing about emotions, they play tricks on you and then control your actions.

As a leader, being able to identify that within yourself is paramount.

What are you going to do when you feel disrespected? Let me tell you a story.

I was in one of my first management positions and I came to find out that one of my coaches was not following our program, and was doing something actually quite contrary to our program. I was heading up our youth strength and conditioning program and got a text saying another coach’s workouts were different and better.

Immediately I got insecure, not only was this guy doing something different than I had written out, it was seen as better!

My first reaction was to get mad, to argue, to assert my dominance. I had to take a breath.

Later that day I got to stop by and see this coach in action. The text was right, his workouts were different than mine. But the kids in his program were having a really good time, smiles on their faces, loving it!

How did I respond?

I got even more insecure.

Immediately I made it about me, made it about how I’m supposed to be in charge but I’m not the best. And that’s the first of the many misconceptions of leadership I have. I’ve attached leadership to being the best. In my head, in order to lead the football team you had to be the best player. In order to lead the coaches you had to be the best coach.

We can dive into why this is later on, but for now, let’s break that notion. Leadership and being the best aren’t even in the same conversation. Those are different games.

Leadership is nothing less, and nothing more, than connection and inspiration.

So of course I went and connected with this rogue coach and that was it. Wrong. I left that day insecure, so I texted my boss and mentor for input. We sat down and he helped me come down from my insecurity fueled state of anger and taught me the lesson of getting people on the team.

That night in a meeting with my coach I asked him why he wasn’t doing my programming.

Turns out, he hadn’t been following the program for longer than I’d been running it. It was nothing personal, he had come up with an agreement with my predecessor and that information wasn’t passed on to me.

After a great conversation about detailed physiological things that I’ll skip here, a few things became clear.

In reality, he had been coaching longer than I have, and worked with these kids longer. Plain and simple, he was a better coach than me. What I saw was that I had to choose to respect him instead of trying to fill my own personal gaps with pride.

That process was about as far from easy as it can get. I had to really get a grasp on where I was at in order to do that.

Emotional intelligence isn’t a great skill because it makes you the most fun to be around. It’s not important because it makes you likable. Emotional intelligence is pivotal because it helps you understand what those around you are going through.

In my head, there are a few ways to really drill down some emotional intelligence.

The first, is therapy. It’s talking.

About yourself, mainly. But not about things that are fun to talk about. Everyone loves to talk about accomplishments, getting to the top of the mountain, or the victories.

Nobody likes to talk about abandonment issues, or how being codependent made your partner feel smothered, or the times you failed at building companies.

But by talking through those, not just about them, but through them. Now that is one of the most surefire ways to develop true emotional intelligence. But it’s not fun, it’s stigmatized (especially for men), and it can be expensive.

Thankfully there’s lots of great options for therapy, on a budget no less. Things like BetterHelp are great.

Another great option is journaling. Doing so in a guided way.

This idea makes me feel like a third grader being taught different emotions. But sitting down and writing out the top three emotions I felt yesterday, aided by a feelings chart of some sort. Has never failed to get me into a more introspective state.

Journaling and therapy. Both, as a man, can get stigmatized. I think less so these days. But it’s still there.

The path to emotional intelligence is not an easy one. Being a leader is not an easy thing.

Life is filled with easy things. If you prefer those, I’d advise you stay off the path.

But if you choose to do the hard things. Every week I write about my walk on the hard path over at my weekly blog.

I’ve talked a bit about why I started this path. And if I’m being honest, most days I stumble along the path. Crawl even.

I might run for an hour or two once or twice a week. But that’s a heavy might.

The point being, my goal is to just keep going.

I’ve been concluding these daily reflections with a prompt for further journaling. I’ve been thinking of these and brainstorming them in my notebook. When I wrote today’s it prompted me to a much longer bout of furious scribbling than I’m used to. Perhaps it will do the same for you.

What’s a time that you were wronged, by no fault of your own? What would you do to avoid that situation? Would you even want to avoid it?

I’ll see you on the path.

The Problem of the Man in the Arena.

Have you ever climbed a mountain? Not a hill, or gone for a hike. But climbed a mountain.

No?

Neither have I.

So let’s not talk about mountains. Let’s talk about failure.

Anyone who has ever tried anything has failed at something. The best in the world were also once the worst.

There’s an excerpt of a speech I love by Teddy Roosevelt. He was speaking in France way back in 1910, and this is a small part of his speech.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

I recently asked a friend of mine what my most defining characteristic was. They told me it was “a distinct lack of fear of failure, not the idea that you won’t fail. But a complete acceptance of the fact that you’re going to fail, probably spectacularly, and you’re ok with that.”

Not to toot my own horn, but that’s pretty cool.

When I first wanted to work in advertising, I called every single advertising firm within thirty miles of my house and asked if they were hiring. If I didn’t have an unlimited cell phone plan I would have gone bankrupt.

Want to know the worst part? None of them hired me! I also was seventeen, and still in high school.

But then I just started doing it. I worked with small businesses, getting meetings through cold DMs, just walking in, all the methods. And then that was my job for a while, a self employed, freelance advertiser.

Not because I was especially good at it, but more because I just did it.

It’s not that failure isn’t an option, it’s actually the expectation. I love that game. Sometimes I feel like a gambling addict, I love that life of building something, and it might not work but if it does awesome. I’m the epitome of “if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.”

Which is fun, when I’m alone. When there’s no one I need to lead or worry about.

The other day I talked about where toughness comes from, and the general thesis there is that it comes from removing the unknown elements. What’s known is not feared.

My approach to failure wasn’t developed through climbing mountains, years upon years of training with ninjas. or meditational retreats.

My approach to failure was developed through failing, a lot.

My greatest asset is failing far more often and at far higher magnitudes than your average person.

When I first wanted to get a job, I was fifteen, and tired of the odd jobs for my dad. I went to my local strip mall, and I walked into every single store looking to apply.

I just looked it up, of the thirty eight stores, I had one interview. I got the job, but they needed me to work during football practice. So that didn’t work out.

Could you imagine getting told no thirty seven times in a row on a Saturday afternoon?

I like to workout, lift weights, the whole thing. I started this when I was thirteen? Maybe fourteen. And ever since then, my standard in the weight room has been world class.

Let’s not get confused, I as a lifter was not world class. But my goal was to be world class.

I would go online and google “best squats” and then after navigating through some unsightly things, I would google “squat world record” and would set my sites on those numbers.

I got really strong, stronger than most grown men at only fifteen. But I also failed spectacularly on a regular basis.

Failing on those levels sucked. I was embarrassed, insecure, and annoyed. But all it did was add to this idea that I am going to fail, and that is ok.

But that mindset gets me in trouble.

Especially when I’m meant to lead.

In relationships, leading teams, students whatever.

Without hesitation, thought, or any education, I’ll seek to learn by doing.

My greater regrets boil down to things I’ve rushed into. Moving in with a girlfriend too soon, quitting my own company because I was bored. Things that, had I sat down and decided to let that fear of failure creep in, I would have not done. I should have not done.

Being the man in the arena is great.

It’s fun.

But it’s also lonely.

The man in the arena is not a leader, he is someone others are inspired by.

He is someone people look to with awe and excitement. He is a hero.

But he’s not a leader.

My desire to be this man in the arena is warranted in some areas of my life. Most, I’d even say.

My greatest victories and harshest defeats come from this mindset.

But if I could do it all over, I’d make the arena my workplace, not my home.

It’s one of those things I’m learning as I get older. There’s a time and place for mindsets.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Oscar Wilde, “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

There are times to go absolutely bananas and leave it all on the field.

At the same time, there are instances in which easing your way in is the wise choice.

The best leaders are not the ones who scream their way into battle. The best leaders are the ones who’s team get out ok. Whether that’s ending the work day with their mental health intact, make it up the mountain, or fall asleep happy.

In my pride, haste, arrogance, whatever you want to call it. I’ve done far more harm than good rushing into things. This next time around, I’ll be taking things slow. Aggressively having to fight the urge to dive into something I see has promise.

Obviously this has been more of a personal essay and reflection on myself. But I hope something in here clicked for you. Being the man in the arena is not a bad thing, it’s more admirable than most. But knowing when you’re in the arena, is the next skill to develop. At least for me.

Thanks for reading this far, I’ve been dropping a little question of the day at the end of these. This week’s question loosely follows the arena theme.

When they were building Rome, laying the foundation of roads, building the coliseum. Do you think they knew what they were building? That the bricks they laid would be creating the foundation for human thought for centuries to come? That they would inspire the creation of one of the greatest films, The Gladiator. What were they building?

If you enjoyed this, give me a shout on Twitter!

The First Five Things a Leader Needs To Do

Hopefully you know this, but maybe you don’t. Leadership isn’t about big events. It’s not about leading a team into battle, or up out of the valley, at least not all the time.

More often than not, leadership is about doing the small things, and making your team feel like their best.

You want your team to be firing on all cylinders. In order for that to happen, your team needs to feel a few things.

They need to feel important, guided, and believed in.

Getting to that point is very difficult. It takes time, effort, and you dropping your ego.

I personally tend to fall short in making people feel important or believed in. I can guide a tree to sunlight mainly because making people feel guided is the easiest one. Guiding someone is just telling someone what to do, easy day.

Leadership isn’t about telling what to do, or even knowing what to do, it’s about creating the environment for your people to succeed. And that environment starts with five things.

These five things ideally should be done in the first session of whoever you’re leading.

The first thing: Learn everyone’s names.

My dad is quite the leader. He’s a high school math teacher, and if I’m being honest, I’ve gotten the bulk of my leadership skills from him. Now here’s the thing, he knows people’s names. Or he knows their nicknames, which he makes up.

On the first day of classes the point becomes to know everyone’s names. It’s the first step in getting to know your people. Knowing their names has to be the first thing you do.

The second thing: Establish the vision.

Secondly, you need to establish the vision of what you’re doing. Any group with a leader has a goal. A sports team looks to win a championship, a marketing department wants to bring in additional revenue, a soup kitchen wants to help people.

By establishing the vision on the first day, you’re establishing where the group is going. Creating that common goal is the second piece of the puzzle that is building an effective team.

The third thing: Set the expectations.

The third thing is setting the expectations. If vision is the destination, the expectations are the directions. These are the things that the team is expected to do.

Maybe you expect your team to be working from 9am to 5pm daily with a one hour lunch break. Or you don’t care about timing as long as projects are completed by Fridays.

Expectations are yours to set, and the team’s to follow.

The fourth thing: Learn something else.

The next thing is to learn more about your team!

Who in your group loves their work, and who in your group is there for a paycheck?

Kids? Vacation spots? Maybe they don’t want to tell you anything, that’s something you can learn.

Go in with no ideas of what should happen, just make it your goal to learn one new thing about all your people, aside from their name.

The fifth thing: Connect with your people.

This one could be the hardest, it also could be the easiest.

Take what you learned about everyone, and tell them something about yourself. Something you can connect on, build a relationship.

As you go, you can build on this.

But if you do these five things, you’ll be off to a good start in building an effective team.

I started this yesterday, but I’m adding in a little question for you at the end of all of these. I’m on day three of thirty straight days of publishing something on here. And I’m on day two of putting a question in here to make you think a little deeper.

“When they were building Rome, what do you think they had in mind?”

Where does toughness come from?

Toughness is one of those things. It’s like a diet, everyone, and I mean everyone, has an opinion on it.

Some people think toughness and they think John McClane in Die Hard. Getting bad guys out of the Nakatomi Tower, and looking cool while doing it.

Other people might think of Steve Prefontaine, an American Olympic runner. He set American records in multiple events and was known for pushing his body to, and past many limits.

Still others, may think about the players from Remember the Titans. One of my all time favorite movie scenes is the “drop a pass, you run a mile” monologue.

Now all these are great. All phenomenal and very entertaining examples of tough people, and in a lot of ways the heroes of my youth.

I always wanted to be tough.

Some misguided belief within me said that tough was cool. That tough meant friends, inclusion, security, or confidence. All things I felt that I lacked.

So I worked out, I did tough guy things. I puked after workouts, I didn’t talk about my feelings, and I acted fine when I certainly was not.

All that really got me was a life built on a lie.

I had been chasing this notion of being tough, when all I really was doing was making myself even more fragile.

Instead of being able to handle hard situations, as soon as something new came along I crumbled.

I was, and certainly still can be, like ice. Hard, tough and cold. But as soon as something tough came along, ice cracks and shatters.

A while back I sold my Jeep Wrangler. It was a crappy car, through and through. I sold it for nearly half what I bought it for.

But once I sold it, I thought “it’s over!” Until about four hours later, the transmission went out on the wrangler on the buyer’s ride home.

Nothing about that felt good. But I feel silly writing this, the transmission was covered under warranty, I was at no fault, it would be fine.

But I freaked out. I was pacing up and down the room. It was horrible!

Side note, that event is actually what inspired my weekly newsletter, The Path to Resilience.

But so there I was, absolutely shattered, over something that literally had no direct effect on my life or wallet.

I was this big tough guy, strong, could push myself to limits in workouts. By all accounts, and to most people, someone who could handle himself.

But toughness isn’t working out, or punching someone, or any of the conventional notions that a 14 year old me thought.

Toughness is keeping a level head when everything goes absolutely crazy.

That’s something I discovered recently, and have actively been working on.

So that brings us to the question of the day.

Where does toughness come from?

I’ve recently been reading Do Hard Things, by Steve Magness. It’s a highly recommended read. Steve has shaped a lot of how I think about toughness.

But throughout the book he has these little “toughness maxims” which are more or less one liner ideas about toughness based on the context of the book.

One of my favorites goes like this

“Real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can.”

I love this.

It’s truly contrary to the idea of toughness I developed growing up.

Knowing how to do that, create that space for yourself is an incredible skill.

So here are two ways we can work to build toughness starting today.

One, do hard things.

Ideally, life would be easy.

But it’s not.

One of my favorite follows on twitter is this guy Sahil Bloom.

He starts his day every morning with a cold plunge. We can debate the physiological benefits of ice plunges another time (there aren’t many) but Sahil as a former D1 athlete, knows that.

He does the ice plunge for the mental benefit of starting his day with something challenging.

Great concept, but why does it actually work?

Toughness isn’t about being able to hand everything. It’s about knowing that you can handle anything, because you’ve exposed yourself to intentional challenges.

We’re able to dive into the deep end of the pool because we know we can swim. We’re able to run the marathon because we’ve held that pace before. We can have that hard conversation because you’ve said the same words before.

It’s not about predisposed invulnerability, it’s about preparation.

Waking up, and doing something challenging, literally puts your brain in a state ready to handle the hard stuff.

Two, journal through it.

There’s a Stoic practice called Premeditatio Malorum.

Which literally translates to the premeditation of the evils and troubles.

First of all, that sounds super cool.

But what does that mean?
Essentially, it means to imagine all the possible ways something can go wrong.

For those that know me, I’m a fairly big competitive CrossFit fan. There’s a coach named Ben Bergeron, and leading up to the CrossFit games (The superbowl of CrossFit) one year, he had his athletes write out everything that could go wrong. Every single possible thing.

Everything was written, from random shark attack, to injury, to some sort of sickness.

Then as a team they went in and decided, which of these things can I control, and what can I not control, but how will I respond?

My favorite was in case of a shark attack? Bop them in the nose.

But in doing this, there were no surprises. There were no chances to get caught off guard. Remember, toughness isn’t about predisposed invulnerability, it’s knowing you can survive whatever is coming.

There’s a reason the unknown is so scary, because you aren’t sure you can handle what’s coming. That’s why removing the unknown is so important.

A mentor of mine talks about something he does at least three times a week.

“I regularly sit down, and think about everything that could go wrong, and then just let that flow over me. I prepare for those feelings, however challenging it is. All of a sudden when literally the worst possible outcome doesn’t happen, I’m prepared, happy even.”

So that’s toughness. Or at least the definition I’ve developed in my head.

I’m writing a new post every day about toughness, leadership or both. I’m shooting to do it for thirty days, maybe I’ll do it more who knows.

But I mentioned it earlier, I write a weekly blog about my path to becoming a resilient human being! It’s called The Path to Resilience. And if you’re at all interested, you can subscribe here.

Now I’ve got a question, this isn’t really meant to be answered. But I try and journal every day and I like guiding those journaling sessions with some sort of abstract question. One without any right answer, I call it the process of getting to know myself. I’m going to start leaving one of those questions, just for you, at the end of these pages. Today’s?

"If you were to have to tell the story of yourself, when would the chapter on maturity start?”

What most leaders get wrong.

I think we’ve all seen the movies.

The heroes led into battle by the hardened tough guy, showing no emotion. No fear, and certainly no signs of weakness.

I grew up on those movies. Those were my bread and butter. Every movie, I would strive to be more like that hero. Thinking that was the methodology to solve my issues.

But those issues, of insecurity, worry, feeling inadequate, would not be solved by becoming that emotionless action hero.

I’ve always more or less gravitated to roles of leadership. Probably because I grew up thinking leaders were cool. No matter the situation or circumstance, I wanted the ball in my hand.

Incidentally, a younger Reece was doing what most leaders get wrong. I was focused on being THE leader, not being A leader.

In those times of failure, shortcomings, whatever, I’ve found a few glaring things I got wrong.

Leaders tend to get three things wrong.

There are three things you should watch out for, whether you’re leading a team of five or fifty. Or if you’ve been doing it for twenty years, or twenty minutes.

Mistake number 1: They don’t build relationships.

One of my first organized leadership roles where I didn’t know anyone came when I was 18. I was coaching a group of fellow college students through a workout. I was going to be with this group for the next few weeks, three times a week.

The first day went smoothly enough, we worked out. I cracked some jokes, it felt like everyone had fun. That was on a Monday.

Wednesday rolled around, and the class was half the size. I figured it was just normal turnover, or the first week blues, or some other completely not me related explanation.

Then Friday came, and there were even less people than Wednesday! I was trying to wrap my head around what was going on. Searching for any and all reasons.

When I was telling someone about it, they asked simply “who didn’t show back up?”

“Well, there was that one guy, black hoodie. And then the girl who came a couple minutes late.”

“You don’t know their names? No wonder they didn’t come back!”

In that moment it made complete sense. I hadn’t built a relationship with those I was tasked with leading.

Relationships completely change the perception of events. So those jokes that I cracked? Instead of funny comments, they certainly could have come across as mean spirited teasing.

I completely failed at task number one of being a leader, creating a good environment.

So most leaders, they come in more focused on themselves. Lots of thoughts will fly in, “do I look good?” “Are they listening?” “What if everyone hates me?”

Hey we’ve all done it. Me just as much as the next guy, and then some!

But the biggest fix for that, is to simply ask for names.

Ask questions. Take an interest in the lives of those you’re leading. When you actually care, it’s felt. Nobody wants to follow someone that’s fake, or doesn’t care about them.

Mistake number 2: They think they’re the only leader.

Leadership comes in lots of forms. It also comes in many different people. If you’re inheriting a group of people that already knows each other, you’re inheriting pre existing social dynamics.

It’s not your job to have some sort of competition for the role of leader of the group. You aren’t going to go in there and ‘set the tone’ like this is boot camp. Well, you shouldn’t at least.

No matter what, someone in that group is going to be influential. They weren’t voted in, sometimes they’re just the loudest, oldest, most accomplished. There’s hundreds of explanations that don’t really matter.

But what does matter is how you respond.

I taught after school classes at an elementary school for a semester when I was in college. From the first day I was in charge of 20 first and second graders. Honestly? It was a nightmare.

And there was one kid, who was a good kid. But just liked to have fun, and this carefree attitude won them lots of fans with the other kids in their class.

There was one day in particular when I was trying to get everyone to do homework, and this one student was just not on board. Running around, falling out of their chair, you name it, they did it.

I would love to say that I had some miraculous moment where I got this kid onto my side and the rest of the semester was a dream.

But no. Instead, I kept putting this student into a time out, and they kept doing the same things. It turned into this back and forth that dominated the class and lost the other students valuable time to work on their homework.

If I could go back, I would have focused much more on connecting with that student and getting him on my side. Had he been on my side, most of those classes would have gone much smoother.

Clearly I learned a fair bunch from that experience, namely, I don’t have what it takes to be an elementary school teacher.

Mistake number 3: They try and turn everyone into themselves.

This one might be my favorite lesson. And it applies all the more in our new covid world.

Most likely, if you have been given the gift of some sort of leadership role, you are pretty good at something. Maybe as the best salesman, now you manage the salesman. Or as the best carpenter, you manage the other carpenters.

To get good at anything, you’re going to have some sort of process that gets you there. Be it habits, follow up methods, or even natural talent.

It’s only natural to come into a leadership role and start to sweat the small stuff in everyone else.

But just because you tie your shoes three times around the bend, doesn’t mean everyone needs to.

Jeff Bezos has one of my favorite sayings, “We are flexible on details, but rigid on vision.”

The details themselves really don’t matter all that much. What matters is if those details add up to the vision.

A lot of times, when I’m sweating the small stuff, it’s a power play. I want to feel like the leader, and everyone doing exactly as I say tends to solve that.

The problem is, not everyone is me. Actually that’s not a problem, I would hate to live in a world populated by only mes.

But point being, there’s a certain level of ego that you need to check at the door as a leader. Unfortunately, it’s not about you anymore.

If you noticed, all three of these massive mistakes have a lot in common.

For one, I’ve made them all, multiple times over. Most likely, you’ve made some, will make some, or are in the process of making them right now.

Another thing they have in common is they all stem from a lack of connection.

The word leadership actually closely matches the Latin word ducere. Which means “to lead, consider, regard.” Leadership isn’t at all about marching orders, being in control, or building your ego. Leadership is about being considerate of those you get to help out.

It’s about connecting and inspiring those around you, admitting fault, asking for names, and getting to know someone are the beginning of that.