I think we’ve all seen the movies.
The heroes led into battle by the hardened tough guy, showing no emotion. No fear, and certainly no signs of weakness.
I grew up on those movies. Those were my bread and butter. Every movie, I would strive to be more like that hero. Thinking that was the methodology to solve my issues.
But those issues, of insecurity, worry, feeling inadequate, would not be solved by becoming that emotionless action hero.
I’ve always more or less gravitated to roles of leadership. Probably because I grew up thinking leaders were cool. No matter the situation or circumstance, I wanted the ball in my hand.
Incidentally, a younger Reece was doing what most leaders get wrong. I was focused on being THE leader, not being A leader.
In those times of failure, shortcomings, whatever, I’ve found a few glaring things I got wrong.
Leaders tend to get three things wrong.
There are three things you should watch out for, whether you’re leading a team of five or fifty. Or if you’ve been doing it for twenty years, or twenty minutes.
Mistake number 1: They don’t build relationships.
One of my first organized leadership roles where I didn’t know anyone came when I was 18. I was coaching a group of fellow college students through a workout. I was going to be with this group for the next few weeks, three times a week.
The first day went smoothly enough, we worked out. I cracked some jokes, it felt like everyone had fun. That was on a Monday.
Wednesday rolled around, and the class was half the size. I figured it was just normal turnover, or the first week blues, or some other completely not me related explanation.
Then Friday came, and there were even less people than Wednesday! I was trying to wrap my head around what was going on. Searching for any and all reasons.
When I was telling someone about it, they asked simply “who didn’t show back up?”
“Well, there was that one guy, black hoodie. And then the girl who came a couple minutes late.”
“You don’t know their names? No wonder they didn’t come back!”
In that moment it made complete sense. I hadn’t built a relationship with those I was tasked with leading.
Relationships completely change the perception of events. So those jokes that I cracked? Instead of funny comments, they certainly could have come across as mean spirited teasing.
I completely failed at task number one of being a leader, creating a good environment.
So most leaders, they come in more focused on themselves. Lots of thoughts will fly in, “do I look good?” “Are they listening?” “What if everyone hates me?”
Hey we’ve all done it. Me just as much as the next guy, and then some!
But the biggest fix for that, is to simply ask for names.
Ask questions. Take an interest in the lives of those you’re leading. When you actually care, it’s felt. Nobody wants to follow someone that’s fake, or doesn’t care about them.
Mistake number 2: They think they’re the only leader.
Leadership comes in lots of forms. It also comes in many different people. If you’re inheriting a group of people that already knows each other, you’re inheriting pre existing social dynamics.
It’s not your job to have some sort of competition for the role of leader of the group. You aren’t going to go in there and ‘set the tone’ like this is boot camp. Well, you shouldn’t at least.
No matter what, someone in that group is going to be influential. They weren’t voted in, sometimes they’re just the loudest, oldest, most accomplished. There’s hundreds of explanations that don’t really matter.
But what does matter is how you respond.
I taught after school classes at an elementary school for a semester when I was in college. From the first day I was in charge of 20 first and second graders. Honestly? It was a nightmare.
And there was one kid, who was a good kid. But just liked to have fun, and this carefree attitude won them lots of fans with the other kids in their class.
There was one day in particular when I was trying to get everyone to do homework, and this one student was just not on board. Running around, falling out of their chair, you name it, they did it.
I would love to say that I had some miraculous moment where I got this kid onto my side and the rest of the semester was a dream.
But no. Instead, I kept putting this student into a time out, and they kept doing the same things. It turned into this back and forth that dominated the class and lost the other students valuable time to work on their homework.
If I could go back, I would have focused much more on connecting with that student and getting him on my side. Had he been on my side, most of those classes would have gone much smoother.
Clearly I learned a fair bunch from that experience, namely, I don’t have what it takes to be an elementary school teacher.
Mistake number 3: They try and turn everyone into themselves.
This one might be my favorite lesson. And it applies all the more in our new covid world.
Most likely, if you have been given the gift of some sort of leadership role, you are pretty good at something. Maybe as the best salesman, now you manage the salesman. Or as the best carpenter, you manage the other carpenters.
To get good at anything, you’re going to have some sort of process that gets you there. Be it habits, follow up methods, or even natural talent.
It’s only natural to come into a leadership role and start to sweat the small stuff in everyone else.
But just because you tie your shoes three times around the bend, doesn’t mean everyone needs to.
Jeff Bezos has one of my favorite sayings, “We are flexible on details, but rigid on vision.”
The details themselves really don’t matter all that much. What matters is if those details add up to the vision.
A lot of times, when I’m sweating the small stuff, it’s a power play. I want to feel like the leader, and everyone doing exactly as I say tends to solve that.
The problem is, not everyone is me. Actually that’s not a problem, I would hate to live in a world populated by only mes.
But point being, there’s a certain level of ego that you need to check at the door as a leader. Unfortunately, it’s not about you anymore.
If you noticed, all three of these massive mistakes have a lot in common.
For one, I’ve made them all, multiple times over. Most likely, you’ve made some, will make some, or are in the process of making them right now.
Another thing they have in common is they all stem from a lack of connection.
The word leadership actually closely matches the Latin word ducere. Which means “to lead, consider, regard.” Leadership isn’t at all about marching orders, being in control, or building your ego. Leadership is about being considerate of those you get to help out.
It’s about connecting and inspiring those around you, admitting fault, asking for names, and getting to know someone are the beginning of that.